Monday, March 16, 2009

Infertility Grief

Last night Mr. Intensity asked, "Momma, did you ever decide the name of our baby?"

me: "What are you talking about?"

"You know, in our old house in Phoenix, sometimes after dinner we would talk about what we wanted to name our baby."

me: [stab me in the heart] "Oh that's right. No, I don't think we decided on a name.  Do you have a name?"

"I think we should name him Fizz."

This conversation was the cherry on top.  Saturday we'd gone to a b-day party where it seemed at least half the women were pregnant.  Seriously.

Sunday at church, b.c we're new, a lot of people innocently ask, "How many children do you have?"  I want to explain that I want more children, but we only have one.  Instead I say, "Oh, this one - he's enough for now." [insert awkward laugh to keep from crying.]

The infertility grief monster is bAaaack.

Edit: meant to link to this excellent post by Molly Piper on grief, 17 months post still-birth.

14 comments:

MajorScoop said...

I am sorry.

John and Pam said...

I am so sorry.

The Eberle Family said...

My heart truly breaks for you....sending up prayers on bended knee.

Leslie said...

Julie, I am so sorry for your pain. I know how hard it feels to feel the need to express your heart. I know, I feel the need to explain why I have 12 to people so they can understand they we think our children are gifts not burdens. I am lifting you up to the father. Can't wait to have you over on Thursday.

Christy said...

It is a monster, isn't it...I'm praying for you.

Shelley said...

I completely understand. I feel such pain/guilt when people as me if we are going to have more children. I always answer "God willing" with a shy smile. It really hurts when people keep going on about it. I snapped one day when a parent at school kept giving me a hard time for "making Landon an only child." I finally said - "Well, it took us 4 years to have Landon and now the doctor wants me to have a hysterectomy this summer, so I'm not sure if Landon will get a brother or sister any time soon!!!" She got real quiet and then apologized. (BTW - the hysterectomy is off the table for the summer - praise GOD!)

Be strong and believe in HIM and the process. I know it's hard, but YOU can do it (because you are not alone).

Chrys said...

I'm so sorry.

Praying for you right now.

Chrys

Lori said...

I'll never forget the preschool teacher who asked me at meet the teacher night if we wanted more children. I had one child who was almost 4 and was literally in the process of having my second miscarriage. You are not alone.

Koko's mama said...

I wish I had the right words to say.

Praying for you.

Michelle Cearley said...

I've been there and know your pain. It hurts more than anything I've been through. I'll pray that God will give you peace and comfort. Also, I'll pray that no one says any "wrong" comments right now! (I'm a friend of Allison Cain)

Mom and Kiddo said...

I won't pretend I know what to say, but I will say that it is pretty obvious that Mr. Intensity has a GREAT mom.

Aisha said...

I am sorry for your pain, Julie. I don't know your particular struggle. But I do know how it hurts to be in situations that many just can't relate to, and how unintentional comments and situations can cut so deeply. I'll be praying for you. :)

Julie said...

i have just a few minutes and thought I would check in on your blog... I am so sorry Julie. HUGS from afar...

i said...

i wish i could say something profound...but all i can think of is the fact that god loves us, and knows us individually. i pray you will feel comfort in your trial.

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