Are You Running the Rat Race?

Earlier this summer, I had a conversation with a mom who confessed to me that, "We have not had a family dinner together because of sport practices since my son was 8."  That son is now 15 and there are two other children in the family who are also involved in various activities.  She went on to complain about how she felt powerless for change.    The pace for their family felt like a hamster wheel on overdrive.

For an instant, I felt sorry for her.  I felt like saying, "YOU ARE THE PARENT.  YOU HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE CHANGES."

My husband often jokes with his people-pleasing mother that one day he will write a book called, "How to Say 'No'."  Because he does not struggle with pleasing others, or maybe it is because he is a thinker, he has a plan for his life (and probably a plan for yours, too - if you'd listen!)

Thankfully my husband's intentionality overflows into our family life.

Together, we have made hard choices not to allow our children to participate in every activity under the sun.  As parents, not only do we say no to our children, we have to say no (and explain our reasonings) to other well-meaning parents.  Peer pressure works well into adulthood.

Last night in a parenting group we were discussing why parents get caught up in the rat race of activities.  [BTW, this is the third time that Hubby and I have been in a discussion group for Shepherding a Child's Heart.  Now there's a parent's handbook/discussion guide that is great for small groups.  I highly recommend reading it - if you haven't already.]

This morning our group leader, Rob Smith, sent the following in an email.  It is so good that I decided to write this post so that I could share it with you.

I was pondering the question again as to why parents get caught up in the rat race of activities.  Kimmel (in his book, Little House on the Freeway) reminded me that there is a poison pill our culture offers called comparison.  “We need to be careful we don’t swallow it up.  It offers addictions to things that don’t last and cravings for things that don’t really matter and causes us to depend upon tomorrow to bring us happiness that today can never supply.”  Comparison has it’s companions in the bible called envy, jealousy, lust and greed.

We are RICH.  If we have 1) a personal relationship with the God of this universe and we have 2) children, then we are joint heirs with the Son of God which means the universe already belongs to us.  That fact should curb our comparison issues.  And on top of that we get the opportunity to pass on love to our children.  A love that will last forever.  Let’s count our blessings and enjoy our wealth!  Love that refuses to compare could be the best poison prevention we can provide for our kids.  Again the arrow points back to us parents.

Dear parent, do not forget that you hold the keys for change.  You are not powerless to float in our culture's current of incessant busyness.  Swim upstream and be intentional.  Make room in your family's schedule for quiet, for rest, for family dinners!

Outside!!

Sister has been incredibly clingy (read: cranky) the last week.  Thankfully the last two days the weather has been incredible.  Like 70* and sunny, incredible weather for January.  Just another reason to love the south. 

Being outside is what the doctor ordered.  It makes us all happy - especially when I have dinner thawing, or in the crock pot.  (Usually I don't want to go outside because I'm trying to do something in the kitchen.)

So, if you have cranky babies, children (or a bit cranky yourself) go outside.  Just GET OUT.  Take a walk.  Sit in the grass, climb a tree, pick up trash, visit a neighbor, make a new friend, pet a dog, look for leaves, insects, etc.  It will do you all good.  All y'all.

On another note (but probably of greater importance):  if you are a mother of young children, you must read this post.  Right now.  Click here.  Be encouraged.

Then go outside.

Love Keeps No Record of Wrong

Yesterday was a tough parenting day.

By day's end I was finally able to articulate why: my children's behavior is one indicator of how well I am doing as a mother.  If they are disobedient, unkind, ungrateful, disrespectful or a host of other sins I take it personally.  I feel like a failure.

I should not take offense at their ill behavior; they are not perfect.  They will sin and more often than not I will be at the brunt of this behavior.

Even though I know that I can not make them perfect, I am still offended {shall I say angered?!} when they don't obey right away, all the way, and in a cheerful way.

Cleaning up after lunch I found myself making a laundry list of things I would tell Hubby when he came home.  Action by action I was remembering what my child said and did, then what I said in response.  I had a great list.  I was becoming quite the martyr.

Then I was struck by a 2x4 from the Lord.

Love keeps no record of wrongs.

Ouch.  I had to move on and forgive that loooooong laundry list that I worked so hard to create.

(Forgiving the wrong does not mean that I do not need to deal with the wrongs.  There are days when I tell Hubby a list of wrongs and together we tackle them.  Yesterday I was convicted that I was harboring bitterness and the recording keeping was not good for my heart.)

After the children were in bed my dear wise husband helped me realize that a key thing I can do in leading my children to maturity is to cause the consequences for sin to be painful.  I cannot control them.  I cannot make them want to obey.  I cannot force them to cheerfully help out.  But I can create painful consequences for stubbornness.  When there is disobedience (action and attitude) I need to provide consequences to help shape their character.  I need to expect disobedience and try to address it in advance.

Ephesians 6:3 promises children that it will go well with them if they honor their parents.  A part of honoring parents is obeying and being respectful.  Hubby and I have shared with our children about living in what Tedd Tripp calls the Circle of Blessing.  Children and adults have the moment by moment choice to live long and prosper or make life hard and receive due consequences.

It is my job as a parent to help my children learn the joy in obedience and doing things even when they don't want to.  This is character development.  There are many things that I do on a daily basis that I don't necessarily want to do but I still need to do them.

I am praying for them to make the right choices.  And creativity for me so that consequences sting.

Adultery (of the Mind)

We are in the midst of training hearts at the Majors' house.  It's kind of cyclical.  Sometimes we obey more readily than others.  Presently obedience is not the first response.

Many mornings I read a Proverb to start my day (there are 31 Proverbs and 31 days in a month, or there about).  As I was reading Proverbs 5 about adultery - my mind went to parenting.

Proverbs 5:11-14
and at the end of your life you groan...and you say, "How I hated discipline, and my heart despised reproof!  I did not listen to the voice of my teachers or incline my ear to my instructors.  I am at the brink of utter ruin in the assembled congregation."

Yesterday I was talking with another mom when she came to pick up her son from a play date.  The boys had performed a play for me, complete with acts, scenes, props, costumes and LOTS of action!  It was very fun to watch.

The other mom commented that she liked to see her son use his imagination, especially on the cuffs of having another boy at her house recently (she didn't tell me who).  The other boy asked repeatedly to play video games (when she had told him that they were not going to play videos when he first arrived.)

My mom friend commented something to the effect of, "It's almost like they're addicted (to video games) and don't know how to use their brains for imaginative play."

The above conversation was echoing in my mind as I read Proverbs 5: 22-23

The iniquities of the wicked ensnare him, and he is held fast in the cords of his sin.  He dies for lack of discipline, and because of his great folly he is led astray.


{I feel like I need to say that if you play video games at your house, that's fine.  For us, and our child, video games are complete destruction.}

The main point I wanted to make in this post is that I see correlations between parenting and adultery.  Have you seen this?

Proverbs 5:1-2
My son, be attentive to my wisdom; incline your ear to my understanding, that you may keep discretion, and your lips may guard knowledge. 

Swim Team Party (& Heart Conversation)

The 2011 Tsunamis - Mr. Intensity in green, front row.

Our neighborhood swim team celebrated the season's cessation tonight with a pizza party.  Mr. Intensity and I made cookies this afternoon to take to the party.  As they were hot from the oven, we talked about how yummy they would be and negotiated the proper amount to eat - both right away and at the party.

Imagine what went through my sugar-nazi, real-food crazed mind when at the party I saw him eating a piece of cake with artificially colored hydrogenated icing.  After he had eaten his portion of cookies.

Maybe you say, "What should you expect?!  He's SIX!"

Agreed, he is a child and often deprived of sugar.  I should expect sugar sneaking every now and then.

The look on his face as I walked up to him shouted his admittance of guilt.  "Did you eat your cookies already?"

Yes.

"And now you're eating cake?"

Yes, but it is just a small piece.

"That was not our agreement.  You may finish the cake but no more sweets this week.  Or, throw away the cake now and we can talk."

Oh the agony.  It was painful for me to watch the turmoil on his face.  He really struggled to reach his decision.

He threw away the cake.  (Secretly I was cheering!!)

All the while, his best bud was saying, "Dude!  Why are you throwing away that cake?!"

Because I love sweets.
*******
The 90 minutes between the park and bedtime, I was storming the gates of heaven asking the Lord for wisdom.  The years are few that I get to train his heart.  Teachable moments like this don't cross my path very often (or am I too lazy to acknowledge them?)

I felt like the Lord gave me the story of Jacob asking for Rachel's hand in marriage and being deceived by Laban.  After all, Nathan used a story to convict David of his sin.  Mr. Intensity loves good stories.  There was a season when every.single.night he would ask Hubby at dinner to "tell a scary story."


Of course I paraphrased, updated and embellished the story a bit.  As I was talking about the wedding day, I asked, "Do you know what brides wear on their wedding day?"

He says, "A BIG HOT DRESS."

Yes, a big hot dress and a veil.

Interrupting, he says, "Was there cake?!  You know there is always cake at weddings."

Oh my son, we'll get to the cake in a moment.

I told him that indeed Jacob realized that he had been deceived and married the wrong woman.  Rachel's daddy had given Jacob the wrong daughter.  Jacob had worked for seven years for the one with weaker eyes.  She wasn't as beautiful Rachel.

How do you think Jacob felt? Do you think he was mad? sad? frustrated? angry? There is such disappointment when we are deceived!

He said, "I would have felt all those things."

It was such a tender moment.

I told him I had felt those things.  The look on his face told me he didn't understand.  I told him I felt deceived when I looked over and saw him eating cake when we had agreed earlier on the sugar allotment for the day.

I asked, "When you reached for the cake, did you have a feeling that you should not get cake?"

He said,  "Small one."

That, my son, is the Holy Spirit trying to guide you to righteousness. Listen to it.  Do not harden your heart and ignore it.

Jesus said, "He who is faithful in a very little will be faithful in much."

Daddy and I want to be able to trust you with big things one day.  Seemingly small decisions build your character.  We pray that you will become a man of integrity, that you reject foolishness and cling to wisdom.

I feel like sweets are an idol in your life.

He scoffed and disagreed.

I reminded him that his greatest interest in Jacob's story was about cake.  Tonight he was in trouble because of cake.  When asked about his school day today the best part was making cookies.  I think he was beginning to see why I thought sweets were an idol in his heart.

No dessert tomorrow. The fasting from sweets would have been longer if you'd not thrown away cake so quickly and respectfully.

Graciously he accepted these words.  He was being convicted of his sin.  I was so thankful for his tenderness.  Not often do I get to see his sensitivity; tonight was a gift from the Lord.  A gift to Mr. Intensity that he was caught.  My gift was that the Lord gave me the time and the story to help my son process the wrong.

We prayed for God to forgive him.  The Lord brought to my mind 1 John 1:9 -

If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Oh how thankful I am for His forgiveness!  As far as the east is from the west, that's how far he's removed our transgressions.

It's a Deal!

As a parent, I strive to match the severity of the consequence to the crime.

Usually when there's whining or other negative behavior when the verdict is reached, I feel like I've reached my goal.

Conversely, when my child says with enthusiasm, "It's a deal!" I need to go back to the drawing board.

I failed today but he got a steal of a deal.

Learning Hymns

When we lived in Phoenix, our church had a "hymn of the month" that we would work on at home so the children would be familiar with it on Sunday.  The hymns were chosen from the book Hymns for a Kid's Heart, vol 2.

The book has stories about the hymn writers as well as devotions which helps the children (and adults) to connect to the song.  Also included in the book is a fully orchestrated CD with children's voices - and for those musically inclined - piano and guitar chords.

Our family enjoyed learning the hymns.  But we've fallen out of practice. (Rather, I've fallen out of practice.  Hubby and Mr. Intensity still sing at bed time.  Currently they're learning A Mighty Fortress is Our God in German.)

Trying to resurrect the discipline of memorizing timeless truths in song, I copy/pasted the words into a document for us to use during our homeschool time.  Mr. Intensity loves to sing.  He's so cute!

I plan on focusing on one song a month - or until we have a hymn memorized.  I'm going to laminate the pages on cardstock and put the "hymn of the month" in his workbox drawers.

Joy from Giving

My son gets so much JOY from giving people things.  

I mean true unadulterated joy.  Giving away trinkets makes him happy.

One of our neighbors has recognized this and a she brought over a bag of marbles and said, "John Isaac, I know you like to give things away.  When I saw these marbles I thought you would like to give them to your friends."  He beamed.  She hit the nail on the head.

There's problem with giving away trinkets: usually grown ups don't want his junk.  

We smile and say, "Oh honey, that is so nice of you.  I'm going to let you keep your sticker (or rock, or marble, or candy…)"  

But he doesn't want to keep the trinket.  It brings him great joy to give.  Thrills his soul to be generous.  I have so much to learn from him.

So the next time a child offers you a trinket, could I encourage you to take it and just say thank you?

Hints for Bedtime Routine

Hubby typically takes care of the bedtime routine.  By that time of the day, I'm cashed - tired of dealing with Mr. Intensity's antics.  I'm so thankful for my man.

Once corralled in his room, what I usually hear is a song or hymn followed by a prayer said by Hubby.  Sometimes, but usually not, Mr. Intensity will pray.

[This was my lamp as a child.]

For Mr. Intensity's fifth birthday we extended his bedtime to 8:30.  If he is ready for bed by 8:00 (in PJs, brushed teeth, etc.) then he is allowed to read books to himself for another half hour.  The possibility of an extended bedtime motivates him to move swiftly and get in bed at 8.

As you know, children sometimes need extra motivation to go to bed. And, believe it or not, he does not complain when we turn out the light at 8:30.

Even with the extension of the bedtime, Mr. Intensity sometimes does not fall asleep until an hour later.  The child doesn't require much sleep. :(  This hour can be painful for both parent and child.

An idea we borrowed from some friends is to let him listen to a CD after the lights are out.  If left to his own devices, he would listen to a story CD by Jim Weiss.  (Weiss is an excellent story teller, BTW.  For Christmas, the grandparents gave Mr. Intensity some CDs about Egyptians, Greek myths, and knights.  We also own Tell Me a Story and Uncle Wiggly's Storybook. Loves them all.)

Since Mr. Intensity is a thrill-seeking junkie, if he were to listen to some of the above stories he would probably never go to sleep.

So we have him listen to something boring, like the Bible.  Max McLean does a fantastic job of narrating.

What is interesting to me is how much Mr. Intensity is absorbing just by listening.  Much more than any sermon.  I think it is because he is still - and can do nothing else but listen.

One day we were listening in the car to a song that said, "Jesus is the same - yesterday, today, and forever."  Mr. Intensity made me turn off the music so that we could talk.

He said to me, "Momma, Jesus cannot be the same - because on my Bible CD Jesus says that he is the Door, the Good Shepherd, the Living Water...all those things are not the same."  A great discussion ensued.

Another night at dinner, just randomly, he repeated a verse that he'd listened to the previous night.  "Jesus said, 'I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life - no one can come to the Father but through Me.'"

Hubby and I were shocked because we had not worked with him to memorize that verse.

When he started listening to the Bible on CD, he started with the gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.  We wanted him to have a solid understanding of Jesus' life and teachings before expanding to other stories and teachings in the New Testament.  It wasn't long before he began requesting his favorite gospel - John.

A few months later he asked to move to other books.  He was captured by the beasts in Revelation!  Of course there is also the Rider on a White Horse that has eyes like a flame of fire and from his mouth comes a sharp sword.  Revelation may be his new favorite book.  Maybe because it has such fantastic stories and requires a great imagination.

If your child finds difficulty in winding down at night, maybe allowing him to listen to the Bible would be beneficial - in more ways than one.

Just don't start with Revelation.

Child Training of the Heart

We pulled into the carport, and I barely had the van in park when from the back seat I hear, "I didn't bring anything into the van, so I'm not helping carry anything inside....except my jacket."

Surprisingly it didn't infuriate me - but my first thought was - when the baby comes and I have more stuff to carry inside, I will need his help.  

I carried the HUGE library bag and two big bags of groceries by myself.  Sounds like the Little Red Hen, doesn't it?  The deeper issue that troubles me is the fact that my son is typically this unwilling to help. 

However, I was able to convince him to carry in two very large commentaries for Daddy, that we'd borrowed from a friend.

Once the groceries were put away, I quickly emailed the above scenario to my husband.

Why? you ask.

Just a few days prior, we were given godly advice from more experienced parents, David and Tamara Sims.  Our small group is discussing the book, Gospel-Powered Parenting.  In the introduction of the book the author points to the crucial role the of father's faith. The advice given from the Sims was so helpful to me in the above scenario. 

David and Tamara talked about the fact that Mom spends more time with the children than with Dad, yet Dad has a powerful influence.  (This is not diminishing the mother's role by any stretch.)  David talked about his wife's ability to discern heart matters of her children, especially because she spent so much time with the children.  Tamara said, "I can say the same thing twenty times but David can say it once and the kids respond differently."

The advice given to our group was for the wife to take notes, if you will, of a child's unwanted behavior and report this to her husband.  He would, in turn pray about how to turn the child's heart toward righteousness, looking for opportunities for the child's growth in action as well as discussion - pointing the child to the Scriptures.  

This is not to say that a mother cannot directly correct a child.  I do PLENTY of correction and training during the day.  Sometimes a child just responds differently to dad.

The email to my husband concluded:

So - all this is my attempt to help discern for you that YOUR son needs help being helpful.  Pray about opportunities.  :)

During bedtime prayers, I overheard Hubby praying with and for Mr. Intensity to desire to be helpful, that he would think of others' needs as more important than his own.

This morning my husband sent me the below email:

***********

Just so you know, I had a talk with him this morning before I left.

He was saying he was too tired to even pull the inserts out of my tennis shoes when I asked for his help [for Hubby to put them in his work shoes.].  Yet he turned and efficiently applied karate chops to the door.  I called his lack of energy into question.

I talked to him about what it means to be a follower of Jesus - to not just think of your own needs but also the needs of others.  Then I asked him if he would go to the grocery this week for us and get all the groceries and bring them home for us all by himself.  

He laughed.  

"But what if I was serious?"  

He stopped laughing.  "But there's no way I could do that!"  

"So do you think you would want some help?"  

"You bet."

"Can you imagine that Mom might like some help bringing in groceries from the car to the house?"  We talked more about what it means to be a follower of Jesus - about loving others.  

I didn't mention communion, but I want these kind of conversations to help shine light on the issue of why we don't let him take communion yet.  I didn't mention it because I don't want to use it as a spiritual stick - nor do I want him to act good just to get a cup of juice.  I told him I'm praying for his heart, that he would truly desire to help others because it pleases God.

Just one small conversation, but he really seemed to be listening.  Maybe you'll have opportunities to touch on the ideas again sometime today.

**********

I was able to relay some of this to to Tamara today, to encourage her that her words and life experience had meant so much to me.  She added, "Julie, you want to train your son to be helpful - not just for the sake of being selfless, but you are also training him to be a godly man, husband and father."

It was as if she was exhorting me to keep my eyes on the bigger picture: adulthood.  

Sitting Still in Church

This morning at church, I sat in front of a family with seven children.  They didn't make a peep or fidget.  I was in awe.  The youngest is a busy 2-year-old boy.

Until Mr. Intensity turns five, he is allowed to go to children's church.  In a few weeks he will join us with the other adults.  I am fearfully dreading bringing him into the sanctuary.  He lives with ants in his pants.

So, at a church picnic tonight I singled out the blessed mother of the seven and drilled her.

"How the heck did you get them to sit so still?  and so quiet?!"

For the sake of brevity (I want to go to bed but wanted to post this marvelous idea), she said, "We started by listening to tapes on the couch.  They had to sit still or there were consequences (spankings).  Short increments at first then gradually lengthened the time."

She went on to say that in the beginning she brought coloring books and toys into the sanctuary to keep their attention.  But this became a distraction, to her as well as other worshipers.  In her words, "I had to re-train them to sit still and listen.  We started with 5 minutes of listening to a sermon on tape."

The novelty.  Ingenious idea.

I asked if, during their family worship time at home, the children had to sit still.  They are allowed to play quietly with blocks on the floor.  This is after they have mastered the skill of sitting on the couch and listening.  If the block building becomes too rambunctious the child goes to the couch to listen.

Guess what our family will be practicing this week during family worship?

I'd love to hear other ideas of training children to sit still on Sunday morning. 

Advent

Advent is from the Latin word adventus that means coming.  Our family has entered the season of anticipation for Jesus' birth.  

More exciting for Mr. Intensity is the fact that we're going to Kentucky in 16 days. Grandparents live there and they have presents.  Lots of presents.  It will be harder for him to sleep on the eve of Dec. 18 than on Christmas eve.

Until then, we'll try to focus our thoughts on Jesus coming to earth in the form of a humble babe.

There are so many advent calendar possibilities that a mom could go crazy trying to pull them off. Especially since it's December 2 and if you're starting now, you're already 3 days behind.

My friend, Julie in Hungary, shared how her family is using a Jesse Tree (sort of like an Advent calendar) to point their thoughts toward our Coming King.

You can print it off now and start today.  Here are the symbols for ornaments. Mr. Intensity was super excited about them. Here are the family devotions. 

The hardest work is done for you.  Bless your man - print these documents and ask him to lead your family in devotions towards the coming Christ.

If you print them out, you have to pinkie swear that you won't feel under the pile if you don't do them all.  Or any.  

December is not about guilt.  It's about anticipating the coming of a child in a manger born to an unwed teenager.  That child ROCKED the world for eternity.  He took away all the guilt anyone could ever heap on you.

To see what others have done with a Jesse Tree, go here, here, here or here (the comments are often helpful, too.)

Memory Work & Reward

About 2 months ago, we made a deal with him. If he would memorize Psalm 1 - and get it all on video - we would take him to Rawhide. When Rawhide opens today - that's where we'll be.

The video has been edited for time....but he did say it all in one "taping."  

Classic Boy Toys, ages 2-4+

When thinking about Christmas toys, here are some ideas for boys that don't require batteries and foster lots of creative play.

Probably the favorite boy toy in our house is DIRT or sand.  A friend of ours is storing borrowing our sand and water table while we stage our house for sale. 

Mr. Intensity got this Tonka truck and loader for his second birthday.  Both trucks have been well loved and even fought over at the park.  If you only want to get one of the two, get the truck.

You can't go wrong with a shovel, either.  We own about 5 shovels/hoes in different shapes and sizes.  They are good. Clean. Fun.  They help boys burn energy by using big muscles.  Some moms at the park get a bit nervous when we arrive with our arsenal but I'm quick to enforce the rule:  shovels stay on the ground.  When looking at shovel options, go for metal. Yes, plastic is safer but have you tried to dig with a plastic shovel?  The boys fight ask for the metal shovels while the plastic one is the last man out.  Our shovels came from Target, Big Lots, and in the garden center of another store.  Go for quality.  Two of our shovels from Target are literally bent out of shape, which sometimes hinders the workers.  Mr. Intensity's next shovel will be man-sized with a few inches sawed off the handle.  Ohh- maybe for Christmas?!

For a baby shower gift, someone gave me a set of wooden blocks.  One year for Christmas (when Hubby was in seminary) Mr. Intensity got a set of Hebrew blocks.

It's fun to build towers and knock them down with bean bags or wrecking balls.  Speaking of bean bags, I like to make them for birthday gifts (boys or girls) and add this list of games to the package.

I suppose it depends on the bent of your boy, but at our house TRAINS are oh-so-fun.  He got this starter set from Ikea on his 2nd birthday.  For Christmas last year the tunnel set was added. His 4th birthday the grandparents added more tracks.  [The Thomas the Tank Engine tracks will fit the Ikea tracks.  The Ikea train tracks cost less and are about the same quality.]

This summer, Mr. Intensity had so much fun with masking tape a friend even sent 10 rolls. We didn't waste a bit.

If you've read this blog for long, you know that my guy likes to bam things.  A nested hammer has been good fun for us but he also likes to use Daddy's.  It's heavier and can do more damage.

Other gifts (from grandparents) that we've both enjoyed are memberships to the zoo, Children's Museum, and a preschool class at the Desert Botanical Garden.

Well, those are my suggestions.  What have I missed?  I'd love to hear your "gotta have BOY toys."  UPDATE:  Wrote another post.

To see what other savvy mommas have to say about the best of the best for boy AND girl toys, click over to Rocks in My Dryer.

Family Friday

When pregnant with Mr. Intensity, we lived in Little Rock. Some of our close friends, Rob & Gina Flood, had three well-behaved kids (two boys and a baby girl, all under 4 years old). Hubby and I wanted to know what these parents were doing to train their kids so well. So, we invited ourselves over to their house... every Friday night...for dinner...for at least six weeks!

Anyone with kids knows that the dinner hour is not the most pleasant of the day. (At least it isn't at my house.) Hubby and I had the privilege of watching these godly parents teach, reprove, correct and train their children in righteousness. Hubby and I learned so much about parenting from the Flood family. I'm so grateful they opened their home to us and let us ask some really personal questions.

Shortly after we moved to Phoenix, the husband (Rob), wrote an article called the Forgotten Part of Discipline. It is excellent. It will take a few minutes to read but it is worth it. Every word he wrote is true. I witnessed the process. I inquired of his (& Gina's) method. Mr. Intensity benefits today from the investment the Floods made in our family, four years ago.

If you'd like to read more, another article that's worth it's weight in salt is Getting to the Heart of the Behavior by Tedd Tripp. However, if you're only going to read one article, read the Forgotten Part of Discipline.

Last, but certainly not least, is a valuable resource for your marriage. If you feel like your date nights are a bit bland, here are some questions to get the conversation started. Even if you can't go out on a date - print these, sit on the couch after the kiddos are in bed and TALK.

K is for Kindness

This week I've been sharing some of our family's core values. It is simple and memorable to a little boy; it ROCKs.

As you have probably noticed, all the character traits in ROCK are positive ones. In a subliminal way I’m hoping to aspire my son to greatness, telling him, I believe you can be:

Respectful
Obedient
Content
Kind.

It sometimes takes more words to be positive (when I feel like I’ve used them all!) Not always, but I try to say, “Can you say that more with more respect?” Instead of saying, “That was disrespectful. Try again.” Being positive also sounds more pleasant in the ears of the hearer – which is kindness.

Probably the loudest sermon I give on kindness is how I treat others – especially those closest to me, like my son and husband. Not to mention pesky neighborhood boys, annoying phone solicitors, or other terrible drivers given to road rage (guilty here, on all counts.)

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. - Proverbs 15:1

And you better believe little eyes are watching; little ears are hearing. One day they will emulate you. For better or for worse. Ugh. Hate it when it's for worse. He growls when he's frustrated or angry. Wonder where he got it? Grrr...

Kindness, like the other traits of ROCK, can have many names and faces. Grandma might say this is using your manners. Montessorians would call this grace and courtesy. God's kindness (forgiveness) is meant to lead you to repentance. Anyway you slice it, a child knows the difference between being kind and unkind. Just ask - they're usually brutally honest.

To test my theory, when it was 110* one afternoon, I asked Mr. Intensity, "If we were to take some popcicles to the guys working on the parking lot, do you think it would be kind or unkind?" He knew the right answer and wanted to help.

As I pulled the treats from the freezer the thought occured to me: usually I work hard at being kind/doing acts of service during December - but what about the rest of the year? [Hmmm...need to work on that.]

Some of my fondest childhood memories are of going with my mom to take meals to shut-ins or elderly folks, who didn't feel like cooking and delighted in company. She's super kind, that way. I wanna be like her one day.

Below is the most fun song of the week to help you remember that God empowers his people to be kind. It's also a sneaky way to memorize the Fruit of the Spirit from Galatians 5:22-23. Mostly, we sing this song at bedtime and he usually jumps on the bed the entire time. I bribed him with 2 cookies to sing it on camera, but I think this guy is easier to follow, especially if you want to teach your children.



To give it a twist, you can ask your kids to come up with their own silly fruit.

Thanks for reading my thoughts this week. And thank you for all the kind comments. I have felt loved.

C is for Content

This week, I’ve been sharing some of our family’s values – made in the form of ROCK.
Respect
Obey
Content
Kind

There’s nothing particularly special about this acronym. It works for us because it’s short, simple, and four character qualities that are continually being honed in our home. Make no mistake; Mr. Intensity is far from perfect. His parents aren’t perfect either.

The letter C in this acronym could stand for a host of other words – like cheerful, confess, or courageous. I wanted to use “content” for two reasons.

1. It’s helpful to use biblical vernacular when possible so that when memorizing scripture, the child has a framework of experience to sift this new head knowledge.
2. Our family learned a Bible verse on contentment earlier in the summer – mostly because a certain someone was struggling with being content.

Of the four character traits in the acronym ROCK, contentment is the one with which I struggle most. Unfortunately, my son struggles too.

For me, it means not coveting the zippy Mini-Coupe beside me at the stoplight. Or being jealous of my friend's new shoes - or wanting a nicer house neighborhood - or wishing my hair was curly instead of straight.

God knew that his people would struggle in this area. "Thou shall not covet" is the 10th commandment.

Contentment takes self-control. Of which, children sometimes greatly lack. Countless times a day I say, "I don't understand whining. Could you say that with self-control in your voice?"

A verse that our family memorized earlier this summer was the second part of Philippians 4:11 ...for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.

Another good verse is Hebrews 13:5a Keep your life free from the love of money, and be content with what you have... Just a few verses later in 17b ... do this with joy and not with groaning.

Sometimes when Mr. Intensity isn't satisfied with what he’s been given (whether it's the size of dessert or reading a book - he wants MORE!), we have been known to take it away completely. Sounds harsh, doesn't it? Well, it is the one way that’s been effective in teaching him what it means to be content with what you have. Or, more accurately, that there are consequences when you’re not content.

When opportunity presents itself throughout the day, I try to point out ways I am trying to be content with what I have, or confessing when I selfishly want something I don’t need. I want him to know that I identify with his weaknesses.

One of the reasons Christ came to earth was to identify with my weakness. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. – Hebrews 4:15-16

Oh the importance of pointing our children to the cross! It is impossible to be content in our own power. The Spirit helps us in our weakness – Romans 8:26.

Speaking of weakness, this character quality is lacking a song. Can anyone help me out with a kid-friendly song for contentment? Tomorrow I'll write about K is for kindness.

O is for Obedience

This week, we're ROCK'n in the Majors' home. Each day this week, I'm sharing a bit of our family's core values. Yesterday I wrote about respect. Today's subject is obedience.

Ephesians 6:1 gives clear direction: Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.

Jesus even learned obedience. We see this in Hebrews 5:8-9 Although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered. And being made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation to all who obey him.

From the time Mr. Intensity was able to babble phrases, I told him my expectation for obedience:

• right away
• all the way
• in a joyful way

If you were to ask him today, "How are you to obey?" He can rattle it off. Now, does he apply what he's learned? Not always. Unfortunately, neither do I.

This phrasing, "right away, all the way, in a joyful way" I've really grappled with, struggled and asked the Lord, "Is this true? Do You expect the same of me?” After all, I don't want to be a hypocrite and have double standards for my child.

As I examine the Scriptures, I have found this to be true. God expects complete obedience from me – and quickly, without complaining. The Lord has entrusted to me the position of authority over my child to teach him what God expects.

Do everything without complaining or arguing (NIV). Another translation of Philippians 2:14 says, Do all things without grumbling or questioning (ESV).

Hebrews 13:17 says Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you.

The Old Testament is full of If you obey...it will go well with you. If you don't ...calamity, exile, or other punishment (Deut 11:13-17). The same is true in our home – except we can’t exile our child!!

Last month’s hymn of the month was Trust & Obey. It has a catchy tune and it rather easy for little ears and lips to learn.

Since Mr. Intensity can't yet read, it is my duty to fill his mind with sound doctrine- whether is by reading the Bible to him, memorizing it with him, or singing songs that teach right thinking. In all of these things, I want to teach him to obey so that it will go well with him.

That she has trained her children for heaven, rather than for earth, for God,rather than for man--she is the parent that will be considered wise at last. Train with an eye to my children's souls. We are made what we are by training. Our character takes the form of what mold into which our first years were cast. The path of obedience is the way in which He gives blessing. Determine to make your children obey you, though it cost you much trouble, and cost them many tears. Obedience is the only reality. The mark of well-trained children is that they do whatsoever their parents command them - cheerfully, willingly and at once. - John Ryle 1888

If you're looking for a resource on teaching obedience to your children, Don't Make Me Count to Three is my current favorite. Here's a review I wrote of the book a LOOONG time ago.

Tomorrow's subject will be C is for content.

What resources have encouraged you in child training?

Manners

While it didn't make the list for respect (yesterday), manners are certainly a HUGE part of honoring others. Here's a list of 12 rules of etiquette for children from the 50's.

The Pink Teapot also has a post today on manners for children.

As for resources, I would recommend You Can Raise a Well-Mannered Child and the workbook.

HT: Parent Hacks

R in ROCK

On Friday, I shared a simple acronym our family is using to remember how we should live. It ROCKs.

Respect
Obey
Content
Kind

Over the course of the next few days, I'm going to elaborate what these words mean to our family.

Why is it important to teach children respect?

First thing that comes to my mind - it is easier to correct/punish/rebuke/discipline (whatever word your family uses) a 3 year-old than it is a rowdy teenager. I'd rather him grasp it now, in the security of my home, than when he's 19 - being tased by a police officer because he refuses to comply.

We've all seen the COPS shows where the drunken guy is so disrespectful. If the unlawful citizen were to at least be polite - or shut his mouth - he might get a lesser sentence.

My grandmother would say, "You'll catch more flies with sugar than vinegar."

Another word for respect is honor. The fifth commandment is "Honor your father and your mother." (Exodus 20:12) Why honor your parents? Moses answered that question: "That your days may be long..." The New Testament adds, "that it may go well with you" (Ephesians 6:2.) If it makes God's top ten list, I better be teaching it to my children.

Romans 13:7 says it this way, Pay to all what is owed to them: taxes to whom taxes are owed, revenue to whom revenue is owed, respect to whom respect is owed, honor to whom honor is owed.

Better than any of the above lofty arguments is one that resonates with a preschooler. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Some call this The Golden Rule. Recorded in Matthew 7:12, Jesus said, "So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets." Basically, all of the Old Testament can be summed up by saying, "Do unto to others as you'd have them do unto you."

When Mr. Intensity is being demanding, sometimes I ask him, "Would you like for me to talk to you in that tone?" Silence. "Think about how you would like for me to talk to you then ask again." He's much more respectful the second time around…usually.

Respect is the foundation for so many positive behaviors. Truth telling can fall under the category of respect. From what I can recall, he's not yet lied to me. I'm not so naive to think that he won't ever lie. However, when he does, we will talk about how telling the truth is not only being respectful to others, but also to yourself. Other disrespectful behaviors that will not be tolerated in our home: stealing or cheating.

During our family worship time (which lasts all of 15 minutes, if that long), last week Hubby introduced the acronym ROCK. We started the time by singing the familiar, "The wise man builds his house upon the Rock" as well as the second verse, "the foolish man builds his house upon the sand."

We asked questions of Mr. Intensity like
- Who do you want to be, the wise or foolish man?
- Who is the Rock? Since we are Christ-followers, our Rock is Jesus.

Our verse of the week was Proverbs 1:7 The fear (or, respect) of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; Fools despise wisdom and instruction.

We said the verse together, then took turns repeating it. Throughout the week, we reviewed the verse at random times. A week later we all have it memorized.

So, now dear reader, what will you add to the subject of respect? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Tomorrow's post will hash out the letter O - Obey.